Or How I met Gabriel Iglesias and watched him meet a giant
My daughter’s father is a giant. He is a mountain of a man at 6’9 and 350 pounds. He inherited a large sum of money from his grandparents after their passing. He is also a bit of a showboat and likes to be the life of the party. Actually, he likes to be the party, so naturally when it was time for his birthday while we were still together, I wanted to really do something special for him and we had the money to enjoy a fancy evening.
I found out that Gabriel Iglesias was preforming at the Laugh Factory in Sacramento, CA. If you don’t know who Mr. Iglesias is, I highly recommend his standup comedy specials on Netflix. I got us tickets and looked for a nice restaurant for dinner.
Enter MORTON’S STEAK HOUSE.
It was so fancy. The restaurant was beautifully decked out in red brick and marble. The wait staff wear ties, and they wheel trolleys of steaks to each table for guests to choose from for their dinner. When the server came to our table with his trolley, there were even a few lobster sitting there.
We chose our steaks and a lobster for the table to share. We named him Henry. We ordered the soufflé too, mostly because it takes an hour to prepare and you have to order it ahead of time.
Our steaks came and we had an amazing meal. They forgot our lobster and sold him to another table. In apology, they comped us a smaller lobster. We named him Greg. We even had a bottle of Dom something or other fancy champagne.
The soufflé was excellent too.
Turns out The Laugh Factory sold food. I had no idea.
The comedy was hilarious, as expected. After the show, Mr. Iglesias was signing things and greeting the guests.
My date walked up to Gabriel on his turn and swept him off his feet in a hug. What do you do when someone easily 2 feet taller than you and your entourage, not to mention 100 pounds larger than you picks you up?
You get picked up and hopefully not devoured.
Gabriel screamed from the second he was grabbed, until his feet touched the ground again. When he put him down, everyone laughed. His friends were like: “we figured you were dead.” They hadn’t even bothered to try to save their friend, not because they weren’t concerned, but because they knew there was nothing they could do about it. My ex laughingly asked if the shirts Gabriel sold came in adult sizes. He was sporting a 6x t-shirt at the time.
He also offered to smoke pot with them after the show. They all agreed despite weed still being illegal in California at the time. After the show, I kept look out while they smoked. I was pregnant with my daughter and didn’t partake, neither did Gabriel. He just watched everyone with a calculated look of merriment in his eyes. He was clearly taking notes.
In a special that came out the following year, Gabriel added a new category to his “fluffy” description of heavy people.
“Big, healthy, heavy, husk, damn” and a new one…”Oh, hell no.”
I think my ex was the inspiration for “Oh, hell no.”
It is hard to know a mountain and not be impressed by its size and ability to move and speak.
I had a lot of fun and great memories with that man. Our relationship ended after our daughter’s birth and we lost touch, but I will always remember the night we lost a lobster named Henry, and became acquainted with Gabriel Iglesias. I can still hear his tiny scream.
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